Why can't we talk?
It’s a common problem that couples who present at counselling say that they are unable to communicate effectively with each other. Sometimes one partner feels the other is ‘holding back’ – not being honest about how they feel or what they think.
For some couples, the frustration of feeling that their partner is hiding something, or more hurtfully, that they don’t trust them, can escalate into recriminations or painful withdrawal. There can be several reasons for this.
One, the partner does not want to share. Deliberately excluding your partner can be hurtful and ultimately may be an indication that you’re in the wrong relationship.
Two, withholding where we can act or behave in a way that puzzles or causes frustration, such as walking away, shutting down, or flaring up. This can fuel additional feelings of uncertainty and distress.
We can keep repeating such behaviour and actions towards our partners. No matter how often our partner tells us how they feel about it, we don’t change them. This could be a deliberate action but can also be due to not understanding why we are doing them in the first place, what or why our emotions are being so provoked.
A lot of couples make assumptions about how their partner will react to certain issues, so withhold information as they assume they will ‘know’ how they will respond, usually resulting in a negative outcome.
We do not have to always agree with our partner, but we do need to be able to hear what our partner believes. Good communication involves the ability to be able to reflect on what you want. Sharing your inner most thoughts and feelings with your partner helps connect you emotionally and increases the level of intimacy between you both.
Good communication also involves listening to what your partner is saying, being able to find a way forward that helps you both, rather than a position that just benefits you.
Counselling can help unlock some the reasons why some people find it difficult to be transparent to their partner. Being emotionally available or vulnerable can be a scary place to be – it can mean that you are opening old wounds or leaving yourself open to new hurts.
To be able to build trust, you must first be able to identify and process your feelings and understand what you want. Being able to articulate this openly and honestly, will enable you to receive and process your partner’s position. This will help to develop a mutually respectful basis for the relationship.
This will help you both to connect as a unit and move forward as a couple rather than an isolated and unhappy individual. Counselling can start this process and support you (and your partner) to develop new ways of communicating.